


Figuratively Literal

by hanekawa



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-21
Updated: 2011-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-27 17:33:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanekawa/pseuds/hanekawa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Kame tries to hide, Yamapi conspires, and Nakamaru keeps talking about closets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Figuratively Literal

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted in 2009.12.26 [here.](http://mi-key.livejournal.com/24981.html)

  
.

.

“Wait!”

Kame hears someone calling after the slowly closed elevator, and when he looks up, he sees Yamapi, rushing toward elevator with all his might. Kame’s breath catches. He looks around, and realizes he’s alone.

“Kame—wait up!”

He doesn’t.

  


-  
   
 

He's been keeping his eyes shut, and that’s why he doesn’t realize the door is being opened until he hears Maru’s voice. “Kame. _Kame_.”

He squints his eyes at Maru. “Yes?”

“You’re in a closet.” Maru observes.

“Yeah, well. Um.” He frowns and checks himself out before focusing his attention back to Maru. “I’m sorry?” he offers.

A raised eyebrow. “…what for?”

“Er… for being in a closet?”

Maru stares at him. “…are you speaking *literally*?”

Kame stares back. "What are you talking about?"

"Right. Thank God for that." Maru says, and stops, a frown marring his forehead. "Er. I mean—it was a good thing you were talking about _this_ closet--” he knocks on the closet's door a few times for emphasis, “—instead of the _other_ closet. um. Not that talking about the other closet is not a good thing.” He adds hastily. “It's just—well...er. What I'm saying is--”

“Maru, you're babbling.” Kame interrupts him. “Did Koki spike your drink again?”

Maru blinks. “Actually, that's why I was looking for you; have you seen him today? He's supposed to bring the video practice today. I mean, he's actually later than _me_! Can you believe that?”

“Right.” Kame says. “Let's go find him then.” He takes Maru's hand and leads him out of the closet and out of the room. Although halfway through, Maru's hand gives him a slight pull, and he halts in his step. Kame turns to him, an eyebrow raised inquiringly. “Yes?”

“Um. You know – regarding the closet thing? I honestly wouldn't mind it if you had meant it *metaphorically*.” He doesn't look at him, and Kame notices Maru's free hand fidgeting with the hem of his dark green jumper. Kame stares. “Not that I thought you weren't speaking in *literal* sense, of course. But. You know. Just *in case* you weren't...”

“Maru,” Kame cuts him, “I hope you realize you're not making much sense here.”

“Right. Well.” Then Maru pats him on the shoulder reassuringly, _sympathetically,_ giving him an understanding look that for some unknown reasons, sends all the alarm bells in Kame’s head into a frenzy. “Just wanna let you know that we'll be there for you, no matter where your *preference* lies.”

Kame frowns. “I honestly can't say I know what you're talking about.”

But Maru only gives him a smile that's way, waaay too bright for his taste, before releasing Kame’s wrist only to put his arm around Kame’s shoulder in what is clearly intended to be a compassing half-hug.

“Don’t worry; I * _understand_ *.”

“And I told you, I don’t even know what you’re—“

“It’s OKAY. HONEST!”

“—that’s why I told you, I—“

But before Kame can finish his sentence, Maru steers him to the direction of their practice room, repeating the words ‘I understand’ and ‘that’s okay’ or ‘don’t worry’ over and aver, drowning out any other sound Kame might try to make.

  


-

  
“Kame’s been avoiding me,” Yamapi complains, a frown marred his forehead.

“Riiiiight.” Jin spares him an unconvinced look before he reaches out to steal Yamapi’s strawberry cake. Yamapi bats his hand away. Jin pouts.

“No, seriously. He ran away the moment he saw me." He says passionately, shoving a forkful of cake into his mouth. “And this morning's not the first time it has happened, I tell you.”

“It's possible that when he saw you, he suddenly remembered the tasks he was supposed to be doing at that particular time.” Jin offers distractedly, a look of utter bliss on his face as he savors a spoonful of ice cream.

Yamapi gives him a skeptical look. “Really. Like, every single time? Because it's been two weeks since the last time he talked to me.”

“With the hectic schedule you two had lately?” Jin snorts. “Hell, it's a wonder you two managed to see each other at all.”

“Nah, I don't think that's the case. See, I actually stayed late yesterday in order to see him; but the second he found me near the elevator, you know what he did? He bolted down the stairs instead.” And considering how fast the boy can be on his feet, there's no need to tell Jin he lost him.

Jin looks at him oddly. ”Dude, are you stalking him?”

“Wh-what? Hell no!” Yamapi splutters indignantly. “Just wanna know the reason, that's why!”

“Right.” Now it's Jin's turn to give him a skeptical look.

“No, really.” Jin still doesn’t look convinced though, so not-so-subtly, Yamapi pushes the rest of his cake in Jin’s direction, offering his bestfriend a disarming smile all the way.

Jin narrows his eyes in suspicion.

Yamapi shrugs.

The next moment, the cake already disappears from its plate, Jin munching happily with a fork stuck between his lips. “Don’t worry! I’ll ask Kame about it!” he claims happily.

Yamapi beams. “You’re such a good friend!”

  


-  
   
 

  
“So,” Koki says, fidgeting with the cap in his hands, “I heard from Maru you are...um. I mean, _were_ in a closet? Earlier?”

Kame wonders just what it is about closets that seems to attract his bandmates so much. “And what about it?”

Koki squeaks.

Kame blinks. ( _The scary, bad ass, gangsta wannabe Koki squeaks like a girl? Well, excuse him for thinking that's kinda hard to accept._ )

“Oh screw this!” Koki says, before enveloping him in a bone crushing hug that steals his breath away. “No matter what happens, we'll always support you! Even if you choose to walk an _unstraight_ road!” He declares loudly. Then before Kame recovers from the confusion this declaration brings, he releases Kame and is immediately gone in a flash.

Kame blinks. And then blinks some more. Could something have happened in their practice room while he's away?

He needs to find Ueda.

-  
   
 

  
“What did you get?” Yamapi asks the moment he sees his bestfriend entering the cafetaria for the second time that day.

“Well,” Jin begins, “I didn't manage to see Kame, but--”

“How could you not see him?” Yamapi cuts in in high-pitched tone. “Did he go home already? Oh God, he's also pulling this disappearing act on you as well, isn't he? How--” Suddenly a hand covers his mouth, physically preventing him from bursting any more word out.

“You're freaking out,” Jin tells him “I'm going to take my hand back, but you have to stop freaking out and hear me out, okay?”

He nods.

Jin releases him. “I was about to tell you that Koki forgot to bring in the video tape for the practice today, so we're having a free practice session for the moment.” Which translates to ' _We're free to do anything we like! With or without any member of our group!'_ “Oh I'm sure he's still somewhere within the building.” Jin shrugs when he notices the look in his face.

“So you got nada? Like, at all?”

“Don't know whether this is related or not, but Maru mentioned something about Kame being in closet?”

Yamapi's eyebrows rise. “Closet.” He repeats.

“Yeah. According to Maru, apparently earlier, Kame was hiding in a closet or something.”

Yamapi blinks. “He couldn't mean that *figuratively*, could he?”

-

  
He finds Ueda later near the spot NEWS members usually hang out in their break time—alone and definitely _not_ stalking Ryo.

“Why are you giving me such an odd look?” Ueda asks.

“I'm preparing myself in case you decide to get all weird on me and start sprouting things about closets.” Kame says. Then worriedly, he adds, “You're not, are you?”

Ueda rolls his eyes. “Oh please, as if I hadn't seen that coming miles away. I always knew--even before Maru told us about it this morning.”

Kame suddenly has a bad, bad feeling about this. “...what?”

“You always seem to me like the repressed kind, so it would only be a given that you're still in a closet about where your preference lays.”

“...what?” he repeats weakly.

Ueda pats him consolingly. “In which case, we'll always be supportive of you, so you won't need to worry about a thing.”

“Oh dear God.” He buries his face in his hand. “Doesn't it ever occur to you that when one talks about hiding in closets, one might mean it *literally*? You know, as in, squeezing your body through the enclosed, dark space in a box full of things so that none can find you? That kind of hiding?”

Ueda raises an eyebrow at him. “What are we, * _five_ *?”

Point taken. But still...

“Please excuse me.” He smiles charmingly at Ueda. “I have an overassuming worrywart excuse for a bandmate to kill.”

-

  
He’s so screwed.

Bringing his arms around his knees, Kame tries to make himself as small as possible in his closet— _literal_ closet, mind you—and pretend that everything is alright with the world—even if it’s not.

He would like to plead a temporary insanity, or even head trauma, but he’s never been a very good liar. Besides, to do that means he had to leave the safety of his ( _literal!_ ) closet, which is just—no. not now, not ever.

Okay, so perhaps punching Yamapi is not exactly the brightest idea he has ever come up with, but he had reason.

By the time he gets back to his own floor, he is in a bad enough mood that he actually considers doing some serious damage to the source of this whole 'closet fiasco'. He also really, really hopes that none outside his group has caught wind of this, or else. He is also so sick of the word ‘closet’ that he might just punch the light out of anybody who is unfortunate enough to mention it in his presence in that moment.

Which is exactly why he punches Yamapi right in the face--when the older boy is just about to come out of KAT-TUN's practice room with Jin in tow--with a barely muttered ' _Oof'_ of surprise.

Right in front of God and all of his bandmates minus Ueda.

“What did you do that for?!” Yamapi says in surprise, staring at him wide-eyed, cradling his would-be-bruised cheek with his hand.

Kame blinks. Then he stares in confusion at his balled fist.

“Er.” Says Maru, for the lack of anything else to say.

Kame thinks he knows the feeling.

“Um. Is this a bad time?” Jin asks, clearly feeling out of place as he shifts his attention back and forth between Yamapi and Kame.

“OH MY GOD.” Koki’s gasp immediately catches everyone’s attention. Like Jin, Koki also has his eyes shift back and forth between Yamapi and Kame. Although unlike Jin, there’s some kind of weird light in his eyes, like he actually has just made some horrifying realization.

Kame knows that Look. He also has learned to dread that Look, because nothing good would ever come out when that particular Look on Koki’s face is involved. So before he knows what he’s doing, he already crosses the distance between him and Koki, doing his damnest to keep Koki from continuing his declaration.

“Koki no—“

Too late.

“YOU’RE IN A CLOSET BECAUSE OF _HIM_?!”

Time stops.

Considering he was the subject of their inquiry before that declaration, that makes the ‘you’ reference in that statement quite obvious. And since Koki has a thing for body gestures, of course he would point out an accusing finger in Yamapi’s direction by the end of his declaration, leaving no doubt in everyone’s mind just who it is exactly the ‘him’ in that statement refers to.

Silence.

As their minds obviously trying to digest this little bit of information carefully, they all start to look back and forth between Yamapi and him again, and there’s no mistaken the dawning realization in their faces at this sudden turn of event.

Two boys and a closet.

Really, whether figurative or literal, there aren’t that many scenarios that would come to mind.

Oh sweet Dignity. Will thou ever return?

And then because he feels his own face suddenly heated at the thought of how his avoiding-Yamapi-act could be interpreted under the new light this whole closet fiasco brings, he punches him again.

Because he can.

And also because it's hard to stay mad at Maru (who started this) or Koki (who misunderstands everything) when a much easier target is available.

( _And maybe also because he's so floored that he couldn't say anything in response, but he's KAT-TUN's spokeperson, dammit, he always has something to say even when he doesn't._ )

To top it off, in the midst of the confusion and the stunning look on his friends' faces, he runs.

Which is also why he goes back inside the closet, spider and all.

He groans as he remembers it all over again, putting his face in his hands to kick away the memory from his head.

That's it; he's so going to never come out of this closet ever again—figurative meaning of the term be damned.

 _Ever_ , if he has any say at all.

-

  
 _This is starting to become a habit,_ Yamapi thinks, looking warily at the glaring faces around him. “Look, I’m the victim here.” He tries to plead. Again. For the _n_ th time.

Unsurprisingly, none even bats an eye. Although in the corner he sees Jin worrying his lower lip, looking concerned and confused at once.

Well, he’s nothing if not stubborn. “And in case it slips your brains, I was the one who got punched. Twice.” He deliberately angles his head to the side slightly, just enough so that the light reflected off the lamp would show the bruise on his jaw side.

Oh yes, they all are impressed alright, although for entirely different reason than the one Yamapi was aiming for.

“That was awesome!” Junno declares cheerfully. “Want me to add some more into it?” he offers, still smiling, flexing his hands *casually*.

Yamapi stares at him. Now he has no doubt that the guy is totally insane.

“I knew he could pack a good punch!” Koki claims *proudly*.

Yamapi narrows his eyes. So it appears that Koki was the one who taught Kame that particular trick. He files that information carefully for future reference. Future *revenge* reference.

“I’m sure you totally deserved it.” Nakamaru looks at him critically. The look is not exactly a scowl, but with a frown between his brows and a thin line on his lips, it’s a close thing.

Koki high-fives Junno behind Nakamaru, and it seems they take their cue from him. So perhaps if he could convince Nakamaru of his innocence, they probably would let him off the hook…?

“How many times do I need to tell you that I don’t know what’s going on with your boy?”

“Why else would he punch you if you’re not guilty?” Nakamaru narrows his eyes.

“How in hell would I know that?” he throws his hand heavenward in an exasperated gesture. “Do you think if I actually know that, I would try to recruit *Jin* to find out?”

Jin is wearing a look of one who has been utterly wronged and just realized it at the last second. Yamapi winces. Okay, so perhaps he deserves it.

“You asked Jin to _spy_ on him?!” the note is nothing short of incredulous.

Yamapi is completely, and utterly understand the sentiment, because, _really_? * _Jin_ *?

He also tries to ignore the indignant look Jin’s currently sporting.

“Not exactly how I would phrase it, but yeah.” But the incredulous looks do not waver, and once again, he throws his hands exasperatedly. “Oh come on! I’m sure you would do it too if someone starts to bail at the sight of your face, as if—as if you’re ugly or revolting or throw-up inducing—or if anyone in the same room tries to stay away from you with a weird look on their face—like, like you’re *smelly* or something. It would really, really bruise your ego, I assure you.” He crosses his arms over his chest and scowls darkly at the memory.

Koki *coughs*, although it sounds more like a muffled laughter than anything.

And really, he couldn’t blame him, since if their positions were reversed, he would have laughed at Koki too. Non-stop. But still, now is now, so Yamapi narrows his eyes at him, silently promising himself painful, painful retribution he’s going to deliver to Koki if he had the chance.

Well, his bruised ego (and bruised jaw!) aside, it seems his little speech has the desired effect: the others are starting to relax, and they also look less likely to do his person a serious harm.

“Your cluelessness aside, it still stands that whatever it is, it has to do with you.” Nakamaru says sternly in a voice that allows no argument. Then he steps in into Yamapi’s personal space until he gets to Yamapi’s face, and in a much lower voice he adds, “I don’t care how, I do care when. And you’re going to fix this. As soon as possible, or else.”

Yamap gulps, and he thinks he’s starting to realize why Nakamaru’s called the ‘Mother’ of KAT-TUN.

“Or, you know, we could always do *it* now.” Koki says mildly, eyes glinting, flexing his own hands with an audible _CRACK_!

“Right. I’ll get to it. Promise!” He swears, and slowly retreats backwards, casting cautious glances all the way to the rest of KAT-TUN members minus Ueda and Kame. “Now if you’ll excuse me…”

As he turns and walks as fast as possibly without actually breaking into a run, he convinces himself that he’s not actually being a coward by running away. It’s better to fight your battle another day rather than dying now, after all.

Right. Philosophy later, Kame now.

He sighs.

Hmm, which closet was it again?

-

  
He’s been resting his forehead on his knees without closing his eyes, and that’s why he fully realizes this time when the door is being opened. Blinking at the sudden rush of light, he refuses to lift his head. Perhaps if he stays immobile, whoever it is would just go away without suspecting there’s something that doesn’t belong in this particular closet. Hey, a man can *hope*.

“Hey,” a voice says.

Alas, as his luck would have it, of course the first person who opens his closet door is exactly the one he’s *still* trying to avoid.

“Mind if I join you?”

He doesn’t bother to lift his head. “Mind closing the door from the * _outside_ *?”

A pause. A blissful pause in which Kame thinks the universe finally hears him and the other person is gone. Or in the process of being gone. He’s not picky.

But since the universe actually hates him, of course instead of disappearing—preferably forever—the other person chooses to shuffle himself inside the closet—*Kame’s* closet—and closes the door from the *inside*. Which is unacceptable. Even if it brings the used-to-be-blissful darkness back.

Silence has no voice, but silence certainly has *awkward*.

Kame can do stubborn. In fact, he was *born* stubborn. So of course he would be able to out-stubborn anybody. And that *should* include Yamapi. But alas, since the universe hates him, of course he’s the one who’s being out-stubborn by cracking first.

“I hope you die a horrible, painful death.” He tells Yamapi, inflicting as much venom as possible.

“Gee, where have I heard that one, I wonder?” the voice sounds as if it’s rolling its eyes. At him. How that could even be technically possible since a voice doesn’t actually have eyes, Kame would like to know it too.

Also, silence might not have a voice, but silence certainly has *shadows*.

He glares.

Yamapi only looks coolly back at him.

“Don’t you think you have inflicted enough misery by now?” Kame says bitingly.

The other boy snorts. “Right back at you, buddy.”

Narrowed eyes. “I’m not the one who made *stalking people* a hobby.”

“And I’m not the one who ambiguously started to *hide in closets*. Which, by the way, also started this whole mess.”

Kame glares again.

Yamapi glares back.

So much for guilty-tripping the other boy. Or talking peacefully. Right. Time to employ another tactic.

“Get the hell away from my closet.” It’s not exactly a snarl, but it’s definitely a close thing.

“Gladly. But only if you come with me.”

It’s Kame’s turn to snort. “After your declaring that you’re the reason I got here in the first place and making everyone misunderstands the *supposedly innocent* meaning of a closet? Hell no.”

“Hello, in case your head got hit *hard* on the way here, I was the *innocent* bystander. *Koki* was the one who did the declaring thing, while for the latter case, you can put the blame on *Nakamaru*. So hell yes, you’re coming with me.”

Again with the glaring contest.

Right. Tactics change time. “I never knew you actually wanted *so hard* to be seen leaving a closet *with me*.” Kame smirks, a deliberately suggestive eyebrow raised. “Something you wish to tell me?”

“And I never realized just how desperately you wanted to *not* be seen leaving a closet *with me*.” Yamapi says in the same gesture. “Something you need to tell me there?”

Kame’s really, really getting tired of this glaring competition.

“Get. Out.”

“Like I said, not without you.”

Whoever said he has the patience of a saint has clearly never met him before. “What is it with you and this sudden interest in me?! You never cared before!”

“You also never ran away from me as if I was an annoying pest before! If there was anyone who acted unusual in the first place, it’s you!”

How Yamapi manages to appear as if he’s actually shouting even when he really isn’t is anyone’s guess.

“I hate you.” Kame grounds out without thinking.

“Likewise, I—“ Yamapi blinks. Slowly. And then he goes still as statue, as if he’s in shock or something. “I… you… really?” stranger still, the last word is actually uttered in a small voice, so unlike him that it catches Kame off guard.

He would be lying if he says he doesn’t think this is an interesting development. Or if he says he doesn’t take a pity on the other boy, since he looks so stricken and genuinely taken aback.

He gets angry, yes; he also gets to lose patience, yes; but he’s still not a sadist.

“Well, no.” He says, watching the tension slowly leaves Yamapi’s body. “But what would you do if I actually do hate you?”

A shrug. “I don’t know; asking why, perhaps? Because as far as I know, I never did anything to make you hate me. Upset you? Yes. Did something hateful to you? No.” He pauses. And looks as if he’s deep in thought. Which, according Kame’s own experience, is never a good sign. “And after that, perhaps I would also finally do something which would make you hate me. So that you’d have a *legitimate* reason. To hate me.”

Kame blinks. And asks, doubtfully, “Like what, exactly?”

Yamapi looks at him then. *Really* looks at him. Like, focusing all his energy and attention to him Look. Like nothing else matters in the world except him Look. Like, hey, you look delicious, can I eat you Look.

…okay, so perhaps it’s only Kame’s over-active imagination in work.

But still.

Kame swallows and shuffles back into his corner. Unfortunately, in his attempt to appear as small as possible earlier, he has already hit the back of the closet room and therefore has nowhere else to go.

“Ahaha~ funny.” Kame says, but his voice sounds weird and strained even to his own ears. There’s no way Yamapi doesn’t notice it. “But I don’t hate you, so you can go back to your own corner now.”

Yamapi raises an amused eyebrow. “You know, that’s funny, since I actually haven’t moved an inch at all.”

Well, fuck.

And now the bastard actually has the nerve to grin at him. “What is this? So you actually want me to get closer to you, eh? Well, we can arrange that, can’t we?”

“Do that, and I’ll make sure there isn’t much of you left for the police to find.” He utters in his most intimidating voice.

Yamapi rolls his eyes. What the hell! “Promises, promises. It would be nice if you guys really deliver.” Then he shifts a bit. And a bit more. And more. And more. And keeps shifting a bit more until the tip of his shoes touches Kame’s.

Kame’s too busy trying not to freak out to do something about it.

“Huh. Who knows. You actually get really nervous when in close proximity with me.” This is said in a curious manner, like testing waters, like he never guessed it before, like he genuinely wants to make sure.

Then he puts his hand on Kame’s, which is hugging his knees in his effort to look inconspicuous in the dark earlier, and therefore said hand is dangerously close in proximity to Kame’s face—which is still resting on top of his knees.

Kame is really, really close from screaming his head off.

“I mean, what the hell, right?” Yamapi continues, looking as if he’s oblivious of the fact that his hand is *this* close to cupping Kame’s face, though Kame seriously won’t put any money on it. “By now, I have received death threats from both sides—the one who wants you out and the one who wants you in, and since you seem to be the lesser of two evils…” he trails off. “Unless you tell me why you tried to avoid me, of course.”

This time, Kame buries his face on his knees, and seriously considers to never come out ever again. “You don’t wanna know, really.”

“Try me.”

Right. Kame knows stubborn when he hears one, and this is definitely it. He tries to gather his thoughts, but it’s kinda hard to do with Yamapi being right. Over. There. Just… a touch away. Or is it a breath away?

Focus. Right. He needs to focus.

“…it’s not because I’m smelly, is it?” and he sounds genuinely worried that Kame can’t help but laugh.

“Well… you certainly smell.” Good, that is. Makes me want to get close to you. Or something. Which is bad.

“Oh my God please tell me you’re lying! I so do not smell!” One of his hand is gripping Kame’s knee, while the other is grasping his upper left arm.

Now there’s no question in Kame’s mind whether Yamapi actually knows or not where exactly each of his appendixes is located.

And then Kame remembers that every idol is, inexplicably, *vain*. Including himself. Which means, Yamapi must be too. Perhaps if he insults him enough Yamapi would run screaming to his stylist and leave him alone?

“Also, your current hairstyle? It makes you look weird. It’s really so bad that it actually makes me afraid to be seen with you.” More like because he’s afraid to be seen jumping his bones, but still. Damn, he’s actually a good liar!

Yamapi narrows his eyes. “Have anyone ever told you that when you’re lying, the tip of your nose turns red?”

“It doesn’t!” he promptly covers his nose with his hands, eyes going as wide as saucers.

Yamapi smirks smugly at him. “So you’re actually lying, huh?”

Realizing what Yamapi has done, Kame lowers his hands and scowls. “Bastard.”

“Hmm let’s see. First, the avoiding act. Second, the nervous-within-close-proximity act. Third, there’s hiding-in-closets act. I wonder what could possibly connect the three?” he marks each fact with his fingers, that annoying smug smirk still in place. And considering he’s currently trapping Kame into the back of the closet with his body, Kame really, *truly* has nowhere to go. “And then there’s also the fact that according to your *group*, it’s all related to *me*. I wonder why. Don’t you?”

He’s so going to *kill* his bandmates. One by one. Minus Ueda. Because he would be too busy stalking Nishikido Ryo to be involved in this madness.

“Go to hell.” He bites out.

Yamapi looks at him calculatingly, and Kame knows he’s not going to like whatever that’s gonna happen next.

“In a minute.” Yamapi smirks. Then one of his hands moves to plant itself on the wall right next to the left of Kame’s head, while the other one sneaks itself under Kame’s jaw to lift his face. “Don’t you?”

And then he kisses him.

-

  
The first thing that comes to Kame’s mind is: well, Yamapi’s certainly not a bad kisser.

The second thing that comes to Kame’s mind is: What. The. Hell.

So he pushes the other boy off him and says exactly that: “Whatever do you think you’re doing?!”

Yamapi *grins*. The nerve! “Proving a theory. And obviously, one that is right, too.”

Kame narrows his eyes. “And that would be…?”

“That you like me, but is too shy to do anything about it.” He has a hard time keeping the grin away from his face, apparently. Because it’s still there. In fact, it seems to threaten to split his face in two. And what probably more horrifying is the fact that the owner of said face doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.

“You’re obviously and absolutely *delusional*.” He also has a feeling the name of that particular river in Egypt must have been invented by idiots. Who refused to accept the truth. Who also, should they still be alive right now, would be killed instantly the moment Kame takes a step there.

Yamapi gives him a Look. “Hello, you actually *kissed* me _back_.”

“Only in your over-active imagination.” Kame replies hotly. “Here, let me show you.”

And then because obviously he has a bad habit of not thinking straight while he’s nervous, of course the hand that is supposed to punch the light out of Yamapi for the third time that day would wind itself on Yamapi’s neck and bring their lips together again instead. With tongues involved.

Because clearly, as has been said before, the universe hates him.

He’s so not in *denial*, dammit.

And then Yamapi does *that* trick with his tongue, the one that makes his knees quiver and his eyes close and his throat make an unidentifiable sound that’s definitely *not* a moan—

The one that makes him grudgingly admit ( _only in his head, mind you_ ) that perhaps he’s been hiding in *figurative* closets as well as in its *literal* counterpart.

Also, because clearly not only the universe hates him, but those who live in it _and_ their pets also *really* hate him, the door opens at that particular moment, letting the sudden light blind them to reveal two individuals that would so be in Kame’s To-Kill List.

Somewhere from the direction of the open door, someone lets out a gleeful scream. Followed by an _evil_ cackle. Uh oh. Not exactly the best combination *ever*.

Frightfully, he looks up. And stares. Of all the people in Jimusho who could find him and Yamapi in such a situation, of course it has to be those two.

Right.

The universe. And its habitants. _And_ their pets. Hate. Him. There’s no other explanation.

Too stunned to do anything, he suddenly hears Yamapi growl beside him. “Ryo-chan. Give me. Your cellphone. Now.”

It’s then that Kame realizes Ryo must have snapped a picture and is now busy sending said picture to every number in his contact list.

Because God forbids Ryo ever make their life easy.

Of course, to make matter worse, Yokoyama starts singing. In falsetto. Loudly. “ _Pi-chan and Kame-chan~ sitting in a tree~ K-I-S-S-I-N-G-~_ ”

A blur of movement from his side, and the next thing he knows, a cheerful and laughing Yokoyama Yu and Nishikido Ryo are being chased by a very furious looking Yamashita Tomohisa, with Ryo waving his phone every which way and Yokoyama still singing from the top his lungs.

Which, by the way, would alert those who actually don’t know a thing about this mess.

Great.

He buries his face in his hands. “My life as I knew it is over, isn’t it?” he mutters miserably.

“So you wish. But really, it has just begun.” Says Ueda, who of course could be found near Ryo in his spare time. “After all, you have no life till you find your significant other.”

“You’re so cheesy. And I hate you.” Kame moans into his hand.

“Are you going to kiss me too?”

Kame stares up at him.

“Well, you told Yamapi you hated him and yet we found you kissing him.” He says mildly, like it’s actually no big deal at all.

Kame stares at him some more. “You actually heard *that* part? Just how *long* exactly have you been eavesdropping?”

A shrug. “Enough.”

“Oh dear God please kill me now.”

“Well, at least you’re out of the closet now.” Ueda offers, as if it’s actually any consolation.

Kame wonders if it’s too late to plead momentary insanity on his part. And Yamapi’s too.

Or maybe he could start killing those who are in his To-Kill list. Starting with his own bandmates. At least if there’s no witness, there’s none who could prove it wasn’t actually a momentary insanity.

All in all, it's definitely a cheering thought.

He smiles.

Oh yes, Life is starting to look good. Definitely.

  
 _Fin_

  



End file.
